Potty Training for Dummies

You may or may not be aware that we are in the midst of potty training our fourth and final child.  When I was 25, being around piles of poopy diapers, getting peed on by someone other than myself, and having my skin actually touch someone else's vomit, would have made me physically ill.  Now, I am pretty sure I remember to wash my hands after dealing with various bodily fluids, but don't mind wearing the same clothes- for two days.  That is part of why we are potty training.  We want to regain some semblance of who we once were, and try to find that glimmer of youth that is hidden in the gray hair.  Plus, it is just time.  

Well, we have not made much headway with this one thus far.  He pees outside pretty good, but hasn't gotten the hang of what to do with his poop.  The other day, he pooped on the floor and then proceeded to stomp it to death.  The good news is that he killed the poor thing.  The bad news is that he probably killed the rug, and his shoes.  We are still waiting to see if the LW is going to make it.  He has not gotten the hang of not pooping on the floor, not stepping in it a dozen times, not grinding it into the carpet or smearing it on the walls, not picking it up in his hands and squeezing it until it gets between his fingers like it's a handful of lotion, and then not walking through the house touching everything under four feet tall.  The good news is that we finally figured out what is going on when we hear the other three kids run screaming through the house like they are trying to make it to the high side of the Titanic.  Sadly, it is a sinking ship from which few escape.  There are just not enough life boats.  You may not want to go into our train room.  Ever.  In fact, if you have a haz-mat suit, I would love to borrow it.  

The weird thing is that I want to go back to my childhood where you grab the offending dog that made the mess, stick his face in, pop him in the butt, tell him "No!" and then throw him outside.  You can't do that with a 2 year old.  It does not have the same effect, but is probably equally satisfying.  As a parent you just cant go there.  However, I have an experimental solution that I stumbled upon accidentally.  A couple of days ago his filled his shorts, which was great because it was contained.  But, it was all over his nether region.  So, I took him outside, stripped him down, and then hosed him off.  He didn't particularly like that.  The water started out warm and cozy because it had been sitting in the hose in the sun all day.  But, when that ran out it got pretty cold.  That'll teach him.  Now I follow him around the house with a spritzer bottle full of ice water.  Whenever I see him start to "leave the straight and narrow path" I give him a quick squirt.  Now, all I have to do is give him my "ice water glare" and he pops back in line like a Nazi storm trooper.  I don't think we are going to have any more trouble out of that one.