Cold War Driving

Driving in Atlanta is not for the timid.  If you are not an offensive driver, you will be.  Buckle up and change your attitude.  Growing up in Atlanta, the son of two very offensive drivers, I have learned a thing or two, and though I know I am much too far to the right on the aggressive spectrum, I am still far left of my mom.  She is like a more refined version of Smokey and the Bandit.  I have therefore come up with some helpful tips on how to be a better driver in our fair city.  The LW will probably disagree with me on almost all of my points, but that is what makes me a better driver and why I don’t like to ride with her.  It bugs me when she lets everyone in front of her. 

In my mind, it is a little like that scene from the Tom Cruise movie, Days of Thunder, when Tom’s character Cole Trickle and his buddy have to go and meet with the racing commissioner.  They refuse to ride together, and neither of them will let the other drive.  Their solution- rent an identical car and race each other to lunch.  They beat the tar out of those cars, broke every traffic law on the books, and still managed to get to lunch.  It was awesome.

The first, and potentially most important thing to remember, is to not back down.  This works better if you have a larger car that already has a few dents in it.  If you are not worried about it and your vehicle is larger than the one next to you, then you have an edge.   You will win every time, and they will always back down.   There is always some pansy in a BMW who will sheepishly look away because he doesn't want to get his precious little German car scratched.  They can't even look me in the eye.  Geeks.  Me, I like the scratches and dents.  Makes me a better driver.  

This works well until you either meet someone with a larger car, or they have a car in cosmetically worse condition than your car.  In that case, politely give them the right of way and smile when they try to give you the stare down. 

The second big thing to remember, and my personal favorite, is to never use your blinkers.  My father used to consider it giving information away to the enemy.  It really fed into his whole Cold War Conspiracy Theory- every other driver on the road was out to get him, and he was forced to do what he could to nullify the enemy and beat them to the rallying point.  We can’t let those Commie bastards win!

For example, dad would be at a light with his blinker on, behind someone who did not have their blinker on.  If the person in front of him wound up turning the same direction dad was planning on turning, he came to the immediate conclusion that they turned that way because his blinker was on and their mission was to be in his way and slow him down.  If he was in traffic and was changing lanes with his blinker on and someone beat him to his spot in the neighboring lane, it was because they saw his blinker on, knew he wanted to get in that spot, and beat him there, again, to slow him down and get in his way.  Dad got around this by not using his blinkers anymore.  Of course it did not work.  But it did feed the inner spy part of his personality where the KGB was lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on him, and apparently, prevent him from arriving at his destination in a timely manner.  Dad was nothing if not punctual, and he liked Ronald Reagan.

The great thing about this is that I seem to have inherited this trait from my misdirected father.  I only use my blinkers when I have an extra couple of minutes on my hands, knowing that by using them I am inviting lesser drivers to get in my way and slow me down.  Otherwise, I have a large car with a few miles on it, and I am not afraid to hang it out there in traffic and beat my opponent who is unknowingly in a race he is going to lose. 

I only use my blinkers if I am at least 2/3's of the way into the neighboring lane when I am on the highway.  I don’t mind if people honk at me.  In fact, it makes me smile.  I do find the bird rather offensive, and frankly hurtful, at times.  Just makes me want to ram them.  And, you cannot be afraid to cut people off from time to time.  I try not to overdo it, but it happens nonetheless.  That is just part of traffic.   Now, I do tend to give old timers the right of way, and I rarely give people the evil eye, even if they are doing something stupid, which is often the case. 

Not all driving needs to be offensive.  But, sometimes it is what is required, and it is best to be prepared to be a strong driver, rather than one who is run over by strong drivers.  There is a reason we won the Cold War- we are better drivers.